Living, Again
by dualitas
Summary: When you're coping with loss, even the simple pleasures in life feel alien.


After Uchiha Obito's death, Nohara Rin develops a routine. She is a ninja, and she has to get used to the idea of death. Even if this particular death is different, and leaves a hole in her heart, a gap in her soul, she feels she could never recover from.

So she starts her day with cleaning her entire house. She does not have much furniture (ninja never do), but she straightens every crease in her mattress. She tweaks the corner of her pillow until it becomes a perfect rectangle. She wipes every surface until she sees her reflection, with its hollow eyes and sunken cheeks.

She tries to focus on each task as though it is the only thing in the world she has to do, so that she does not have to remember what had happened.

Next she cleans her weapons. Every kunai is wiped and sharpened before precisely placed in its holster. Shuriken are examined, as Rin arranges them again and yet again in her fingers, trying to come up with a way to hold more shuriken every time. Trying to find a way to become better than the ninja who had let a teammate die.

Sometime around noon, there is always the same knock sequence on the door. It is always three successive knocks in a row, quiet, quick, understated knocks like the person who does it. It is always Kakashi-kun.

He always checks in on her at this time. Rin knows that he is worried about her. He does not say anything, but she sees it in his concerned, hooded gaze, lingering on her face as he greets her with a wordless nod, everyday at noon when she opens the door.

She always forces a smile on her face, the pull of her facial muscles feeling foreign and artificial, as though it is not really her making the expression. She knows he knows it is her pathetic attempt to reassure him, although he still does not say anything.

Kakashi-kun always sweeps her apartment with an analytical gaze before nodding silently at her and leaving. Rin cannot bring herself to make him stay for tea, even as her heart still twinges with the girlish crush she now feels too old to have. Even as her stomach still flips at the sight of him in a reaction she now feels she has lived too long to experience. At least compared to Obito, who never had the chance.

Rin next forces down some lunch before equipping herself for her daily briefing. Her bites and swallowing of food feel mechanical, like her movements to tighten the holsters around her thighs and the bandages around her hands. She obsesses over every knot and tweaks every inch of her uniform, focusing on the efficiency of her movements instead of the memory of Obito's blood on her hands.

Rin's routine helps her get through months of nightmares and regrets. Today, however, as Rin walks her normal route to the administrative building, her typical motions of keeping her head straight and gaze fixed is derailed by the smell of strawberries.

She never could resist strawberries, so she turns her head, the first time in months that she does not have her focus on the path straight ahead. The old man, a civilian, is picking strawberries by the side of the road. His whistle echoes in the quiet road.

The hot days of summer make Rin's mouth water. The old man offers her one, and Rin accepts it gratefully. Her smile towards him is the most natural she has felt in months, and the least wooden one she can muster.

The taste of strawberries provides Rin with a pleasure so intense she feels guilty, immediately. She feels she does not deserve to enjoy the simple joy of her favourite food when Obito would never get the chance again. The strawberries now taste bitter in her throat.

So she quickly turns to walk away, trying to get her mind back to focus on her routine. She fixes her gaze on her feet, her steps echoing distantly in her ears.

When she reaches the administrative building, someone opens the door for her and smiles at her. Rin begins to feel the pang of irritation, the first pinpricks that pierce through the daze that had clouded her life the past few months. What was with today?

These instances were all ruining her routine. She could not focus on living her life when little things like these were deflecting the motions of her routine.

Still, the thankful quirk of her lips towards him is yet again the most natural she has felt in months. Bit by bit, like ice thawing in the sun, Rin feels like she is beginning to feel like herself again. But she resists, because she does not deserve to feel like herself.

As she enters the administrative building, the receptionist is whistling. He looks like he is in a good mood. Despite the blotch of ink on his face, he is tapping the leaky pen in his hand to the beat of the tune. Rin feels the a grin crack her face even as she tries to stop it, and a giggle escape.

It is the first giggle she has had in months. Even though Rin feels the twinge of guilt for daring to laugh while she is still grieving, it is a reflex that breaks through the daze she's had for months.

She hears the distant singing of happy birthday. It looked like someone, somewhere, was being celebrated for living longer for yet another year. Rin could not fault them for the celebration, so she smiles secretly despite herself.

For the rest of the day, Rin tries to continue the rest of her routine as though the little things had not derailed the motions. She reports for duty and is assigned on some C missions (she is forbidden from higher grade missions due to 'medical recovery').

But her heart feels lighter than it had felt for months. The cloudy daze she had functioned in for the past few months feels less suffocating, and Rin feels as though she can finally breathe without choking on stifled sobs.

When Rin walks home later that day, she takes a different path. She passes by the ramen stall, where she stops to breathe in the scent of pork broth. She waves at the little children running by. She pats a dog wagging its tail at her.

She knocks on Kakashi's door. His one visible eye widens at her, and at her smile. It is not the same smile (it never would be), but it is a smile.

"Let's have tea and dango, Kakashi-kun," she asks him. She lets him pay for her, and allows her heart to thump at the implication that they might just have had a date.

Life goes on, and Rin tries to remind herself of that as she adds a new step to her now ever-changing daily routine. She now places flowers on Obito's grave.


End file.
